I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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