Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
