i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
