i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
