somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
