Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
