You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
