Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say