ya dads aren't the best wingmen
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
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Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?