I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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