Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
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If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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