I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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