I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
