My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
