R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
