I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
