And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
