Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
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Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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