Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
