I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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