my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
