you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize