Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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