Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
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Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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