just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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