I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
