omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
