Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
