I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
