you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
