My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
