dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
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one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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