White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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