the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
