So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
