I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
