Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
