sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
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DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
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My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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