I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize