he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
