I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
