Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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