we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
