I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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