Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
