I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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