The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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