The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Come see our sink grown plant.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
