saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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