If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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