I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
