come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
