what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize