im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize